Do you still have your period?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
