Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
