So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
