Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
