I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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