some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
