dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
