Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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