I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
