Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
