My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
