Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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