No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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