You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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