I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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