I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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