Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
