Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
