She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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