fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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