you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Randomize
