I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
