3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
