You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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