i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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