My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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