Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
