your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
