I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
