The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
