There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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