Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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