you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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