How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
