you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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