about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I love you. Go after that dick
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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