never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
