woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
