I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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