I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
