In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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