I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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