Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
