I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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