I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
