OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
