I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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