Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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