I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
