thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
