im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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